Let's start with the advertisements on there first:All the ads on this channel are marketed towards the god fearing, All American, apple pie eating, old , white people. Every person in this commercial for some weight loss program was either A.) A tv star from 35 or more years ago or B.)some football player or coach from 35 or more years ago.
Do they think people are really that stupid? Maybe they are! Maybe there really is some big fat guy in his 50's going, "Well if two time Superbowl winning Coach DON SHULA can lose weight from Nutrisystem, SO CAN I!" Is there really an older woman out there in the viewing audience, who, because of Marie Osmond losing 50 pounds, will join right up because they go hey I remember her!
I tell you one thing right now, when I am older and they are trying to market ads towards my generation, I am not going to be getting on Nutrisystem because that girl from Blossom ballooned up in true Sally Struthers type fashion and needs some money.
Then comes in the life insurance commercial because if old white people aren't fat, they are probably still dying or going to die soon anyways. Let's scare up some business with our scary facts and figures. I guess when you get right down to it, it's a good business model. The companies probably see what demographic is watching and go, "Yep, all the addle minded 45-65 people with no pot to piss in in the first place are watching this channel, may as well scare what life is left in them into buying some life insurance!"
Then they dance around nude (in all likelihood) in some bizarre rich ad-executive manner that we don't know about. I figure most people in high places of authority or power do weird stuff because they have everything so they start having to engage in strange activities just to level off the high of being above the peons they rob.
Bill Gates probably has to get his head pushed under water with one of those electric bug zappers that look like a tennis racket while his wife sticks him with ears of corn just to bust a nut. I hear Steve Jobs pees on Bill Gates just because he can. He actually goes to his house and urinates on him. Then he gives him the Apple Shareholder's report (which is just a picture of Steve Jobs recreating Uncle Scrooge swimming in money and gold from the opening of Ducktales) that has a secret camera in it to catch Gates' reaction as he begins to get angry and cry and Steve Jobs masturbates to it in his jet propelled limousine that runs on Courvoisier and left over Microsoft Zunes.
Anyways, I digress...So after that comes one of those ridiculous ads for a quarter made out of part the World Trade Center. Who would buy coins anymore? Even older people that's who! No kid would get them on their own volition. Someone's grandpappy out there would go, "Oh Jesus H. Christ Mary, get the checkbook, little Jeremy would love a 9/11 coin! We can't have him forget about 9/11 now can we?" All kids use coins for is candy and pop machines or to flick and slingshot with a rubber band at the kids who are:
A.) Fat
B.) Skinny
C.) Nerds
D.) Visible minorities
E.) Physically/mentally handicapped
F.) Female
G.) Has like a weird arm or some other defect that kids laugh at
H.) Any combination of the above
The only other people I could see getting one would be those guys who have American flag boxers and subscribe and get erections to Guns and Ammo and have a bunker and a plan for when "the towelheads and other mud people try to 9/11 us agin..."
Now on to the actual programming...
NEWS NOW with the one and only:
Mike Galanos...
Mike Galanos (left) in his favorite concerned look pose, mourning the loss of Gary Coleman...If you have never seen this dope, don't bother watching him, I'll save you the pain. So say there is a story about a kid getting their arms ripped off by an elevator in a scene oddly reminiscent of when Michael Ironside gets his arms ripped off in a scene from Total Recall.
Michael Ironside actually has nothing to do with this, I just watched Total Recall recently...Now this Mike Galanos creep will get on there and tell you the story like he's some 1950's journalist with his sleeves rolled up, no jacket and one hand on his chin and tell you:
Mike Galanos: "Tragic tale out of Raleigh, North Carolina yesterday where uhhh a 4 year old girl had her arms ripped off in an elevator accident. Now I must warn you this is graphic... (Now good ol' Mike changes from his concerned everyman who just happens to be a news reporter voice into the non umm uhhhh standard news anchor vocal delivery) Witnesses at the scene say 4 year old Kailey May Dobbins was playing in a grain elevator near her house when suddenly it turned on accidentally while she was playing with a friend. The little girl was holding her friends hands and the elevator shot up unexpectedly, causing the little girl to lose her arms as she was wedged between the door and the wall.
(Of course his visibly upset face is interspersed with horrific images of the girl going to the hospital, lying in bed with no arms, smiling still somehow just to mess with your emotions, and finally coming out of the hospital with stumps...)
Now back to the shtick voice of concern:
I mean really, here this little girl has no arms uhhh now. I mean as a parent myself, I don't know how I could deal with my own child...you know, getting her arms ripped off ummm much like Michael Ironside in that Total Recall film, which I wouldn't let my kids watch by the way. Now let's go to the phones, here's Scooter, who uhh is actually from Raleigh, North Carolina, yes Scooter..."
Scooter: "Yeah hey there Mike, I just got to say I live right near that there elevator and I think it's terrible that lil' girl got her arms ripped off like Michael Ironside in Total Recall but at least she didn't have a psychic mutant growing out of her guts like that there one freak on that movie."
Mike Galanos: "Uhh yeah I think we can all agree on that Scooter and thanks for your call, I mean really to have such a tragedy befall a girl with so much of her life left a head of her. What are the odds of getting your arms ripped off in a elevator like Michael Ironside in Total Recall? Now let's get to your calls, this is Melinda from Jacksonville Florida, yes Melinda?"
Melinda: Hey, I jus' want ta send my prayers out to that girl what got her arms ripped off. Do you uhh know uhh whether or not she could blowed people's heads up like Michael Ironside in that there movie Scanners Mike?"
Mike Galanos: "Uhh I can't confirm that she has telepathic abilities like Michael Ironside in Scanners. Now lets check what everyone is saying from e-mail, Jdog1984 writes: My uncle lives in Raleigh and he said that elevator had killed some people before and figured that girl was lucky that was all that happened. Also, remember Michael Ironside was Jester in Top Gun? If that's the case ,and I want to stress (right now Galanos switches things up by taking his hand off his chin and almost doing a slow chopping motion at the camera while looking right into it) that this alleged at this point, but if that elevator had killed before, why wasn't it taken down? Let's go to Rudy from Atlanta on the phones, and yes also, to answer the other part of your email, I remember Michael Ironside was in 1986's Top Gun. Hello Rudy?"
Rudy: "Hey Mike, I know it's a tragic accident, what with going through what Michael Ironside went through in that elevator scene in Total Recall and not be the evil henchmen but instead a little 4 year old girl in real life and all but...I can't help but wonder where there the parents were in all of this?"
Mike Galanos: "Yes, that is a good point Rudy, ummm, yes, one must wonder what were the parents were, I mean I know myself, as a a a parent, that I would never let my children get disfigured in a accident reminiscent of Michael Ironside in Total Recall. Let's go to Michael from...uhhhh Toronto. Michael?"
Michael: "Hey, this is Michael Ironside, I just wanted to say I don't condone elevator accidents. Also I was in Highlander II."
Mike Galanos: "Now, and thanks for calling in Michael, I just want to say, nobody said you do condone elevator accidents that are eerily similar to that particular scene in Total Recall...
Now Michael Ironside references aside, Mike Galanos' segments are exactly how I described. He gets all fake worked up and says the most obvious things like he doesn't think teenagers should be having unprotected sex or rape is wrong or it's terrible when people lose stuff or their lives in natural disasters. It's such an obvious act that it's not even funny. Then he just turns it off and goes:
Mike Galanos: "Hey! Susan apparently there is a retard walrus that likes to wear hats and looks like Susan Boyle at the zoo up in New York!?"
Susan: "There sure is Mike and we have video up next!"
It's the typical newscast format of tragedy, tragedy, fluff piece, in general but somehow it's worse with this Mike Galanos character. He just makes me want to puke anytime I see him. Now you may ask why I even watch this horrendous news program in the first place, it's because I like to read the news scroll. I would mute it but I like to flip out for no apparent reason sometimes. Well actually, most of the time.
I would cover the most terrible thing on Headline News, which is of course Nancy Grace, but I think she is deserving of an entire blog post just on her and her unbelievably mind numbing and offensive show...
