Toilet musings...

I admit it. I read while on the toilet so don't ever ask to borrow my books if that bothers you. I swear I don't re touch the books until after I wash my hands but some people get bent out of shape over that sort of thing.

Anyways...

Almost all of the following was thought of while on the toilet. Al Bundy, this blog is dedicated to you. Oddly enough, some of the things relate to using the toilet in some strange way.

Have you ever read or seen something that you previously thought you had only thought of or experienced only to find that somebody already beat you to it? It's a strange kind of defeat in a way isn't it?

Here are two examples of this situation that have happened to me:

1.) I used to play a game in which I would start to urinate at the exact same time I would flush the toilet and then try to finish urinating before the clean water came back up. I would almost never win but for whatever reason, I would always do this. Then I was reading (on the toilet of course) an issue of National Lampoon from the 70's and it mentioned this exact game!

2.) I couldn't find the exact quote but George Carlin mentions sitting on the toilet until your legs fall asleep. I have done this sadly. I did this today while reading an old issue of Wizard Magazine no less.

ITEM NUMBER TWO (hahaha number 2 get it?!)

I was reading the Georgia Straight (guess where? If you get it right, you go to the head of the class!) and two things made me want to wipe my ace with that rag.

1.) Some trout sniffer, to quote Buzz from Home Alone 2:Lost in New York, re-envisioned Robin Hood for the modern era and naturally Robin Hood is some street thug with a crossbow and he of course is stealing from the corporate rich (naturally represented as pigs and some other Wickerman-esque masks) and giving back to the streets yo, helping shed light with eerie parallels to today's modern society and such.

If I knew it was that easy to write a play and get it to the stage in Vancouver I would have shopped around my play based on The Three Little Pigs where the the first little pig is on WELFARE and the second little pig is on DOPE and the third little pig is a PHILANTHROPIST who builds homes for HABITAT FOR HUMANITY and when he sees that the the other pigs are living in squalor, he sets out to help them only to have his efforts SQUASHED by THE WOLF CORPORATION who is going to BULLDOZE their neighborhood in the NAME OF PROGRESS! But the WOLF CORPORATION didn't realize they'd have to reckon with the NEVER SAY DIE HARDWORKING BLUE COLLAR THIRD LITTLE PIG!

2.) Some high end sofa company (what other kind of sofa company would advertise in the last bastion of taste that is the Georgia Straight?) had an ad in which they were saying that if you purchase their hide away sofa bed, you will be a gorgeous,in shape, white couple having wine and popcorn(!) and your gorgeous in shape white couple friends will have the time of your life ON A GODDAMN HIDEAWAY BED! Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to be doing on a hideaway bed is sitting with people trying to lousy double date. If they want people to buy it they should say GUARANTEED ORGY WITH ATTRACTIVE MODELS WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

These ads are no better than the beer ads that are exaggerated male fantasies, filled with sexist imagery that is supposed to work men into an alcohol fueled lather (which by the way, I fully condone. I want to live to see the day where beer ads have full frontal nudity.) Well hey guess what schmoes that buy over priced sofas that look like a Picasso painting reject...these ads are the same principle as the neanderthal beer ads that are so low brow.

Here are some random thoughts while on the throne of knowledge:

If I had a laptop I would write this blog on the toilet.

I think I decided that I would write this blog while on the toilet.

Who was the first person to write obscene things in a public bathroom?

This is what my blog has come to...stuff I thought while on the toilet...